i just need to let it out of my system

I was sick yesterday so i didn't go to work...why, does this makes me so happy. I just lost so much money in attendance bonus. In a way this makes me sad, because i was working so hard on my perfect attendance ever since i got to training I haven't had one absent or tardy; but yesterday my body finally gave in. Maybe it was because it was then that I finally felt that stress and the hardships of the whole 3 months that I've been working at TP, or maybe because out of nowhere our sup informed us that we all had to punch in an additional 1 hour of mandatory calls... I could barely make it past 8 hrs of receiving calls, now from this day forward it's going to have to be 9hrs!; that really got to me, that was the last straw. The injustice and the crappiness of the whole situation of being an employee, and your whole existence pretty much just getting kicked around...is not cool. I know this is how the corporate world works...but still, I've always known that when I push my body beyond it's limits, catastrophic things happen...I physically break down. It's impossible for me to function, and do my best when I feel like I'm about to lose it any moment now! That's what exactly how I felt last Friday, when I was doing my last hour of shift.


I prepare for work around 6 pm, and up until 8:30 am I was still at work taking phonecalls! That's just too brutal.... Now I feel really apprehensive about going to work tomorrow, what happens is I make myself sick when I'm sucking in my frustration, and woes...like right now. I don't know what I'm going to do about this whole thing, work was hard enough as it was without this additional weight added on myback. I don't mean to *beeech* and moan, but this whole thing is getting to me. I have lost all of my contact with the natural world ever since I started working at a call center. I have not written a poem in 3 months, I probably just have seen two movies since. I'm losing all contact with mah friends and family. Basically what I do everyday is just take calls for the whole day, and when I get home I am dead tired to do anything else...so I just sleep untill I have to get ready to go to work again!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM THIS HOLE I'VE DUG MYSELF IN!

transformation to a human answering machine

It's a miracle! I can't believe I made it past 5 weeks of training and 2 weeks of learning lab where I took 4 hours of calls a day! Last Friday I got my certificate from learning lab, meaning that I am now offically hired by Sprint! What were they thinking?

Anyway, I don't know how I feel about this. Tomorrow I start taking 8 hrs. of calls everyday... to make matters worse, I am coming out of a cold. Crappiest of all crap, last friday we were all supposed to celebrate at a resto for finishing our training. Also, since we all got varying skeds, that means that that was the last time we were gonna see each other. But as luck would have it, I was struck down with a fever. I got dizzy around 3 am... and it just got worse, by morning I was burning up!

So my throat still hurts, and I'm hearing impared because of my cold. I only have 80 percent of my hearing. I feel ambivalent about this. At the same time, I made it this far, and have endured so many hardships throughout, including sleep deprivation, emotional breakdown, robotization, foiled attempt at public relations, and so much more...

So I guess at this point, I'm just going to see where this takes me. I am nervous about tomorrow, and at the same time kinda excited, at the thought of being in a new floor/ and encoutering new people/ being in a new atmosphere. I hope everything works out fine. I hope I get some sleep this morning. Graveyard is a killer....
but night differential is sweet....

goodbye world

Life in a cubicle

Time stops here to get a massage. Seconds after punching in-eternity kicks in. The influx of irrate callers whose tune is synchronizedwith the impending thumping of a baby ulcer inside my womb- just dying to crack through the surface.

Outside of this microcosm of a hellhole,real babies utter their first cry. Families eat their dinner of homemade nilaga & hot rice. Meanwhile exactly at 11 p.m. I go on AUX mode and press the break button, careful not to panic as I race against time. At this precise second as I am clicking the mouse, I am negotiating with destiny not to let another call squeeze through the pipeline, which could take me another 10-15 minutes to finish if I'm lucky! I grab my things in a hurry, and run to the fire exit.

There in the 11th floor of the San Miguel building, I eat my late dinner of one crammy piece of soggy donut, at the stairway. Light doesn't exists here in this strange space, only despair & loneliness. As I mechanically chew on my strawberry jelly donut, not really tasting its warm, dewy, sweetness.

...to be continued

I miss being submerged into poetry, and literature. We're starting product training right now and it's darn hard. When I get home from work, I have to occupy my time by studying and refreshing my knowledge about the things we had learned for the day. The most amazing part of this is that I don't even know if I am going to make it pass training and into the floor. I know it is too early to tell, but it's really hard....really hard....really hard......All together now.

But I plan to give it my best, so as to not waste my effort, and my time that I am devoting to this endevour. Weird sometimes when I see people in the streets, pushing karitons and vendors selling stuff on the side of the streets, I feel really sad. Last night when I got off work as I was walking towards my place there was a raid in the palengke. All of the vendors were scurriying away. Some even left their panindas on the street, so the raiders would not arrest them. People should not be treated in this manner. Sure it's illegal....whatever....but really what about those raiders? are they even sanctioned to initiate this type of action? and bottom line is that most of the time, all they want is to receive a cut on the pay of the vendor, that's why they stage the raids. I mean, it's really seems unjust when you take from the poor. They barely have enough to survive as it is. Sure we all need money..I mean that is why I'm working and not lounging on the beach. But still , when you put things in perspective, and even try to put yourself in their shoes...it's so sad, cause you have to deal with it day in and day out.

I know it happens all the time, and I see this all the time; but I never get use to it. It's a part of my landscape that I do not like, but cannot change. It especially hits me when I've just gotten off from work, and spent a great portion of my day in an airconditioned building, mingling with people in mutilated English. It's pretty hilarious, we're basically all being forced to speak English, though most of us bend this rule. It's pretty funny, when every bone in your body wanna speak tagalog but you say English... It makes you feel really self- conscious, and kinda t.h.

You know, I'm just really stressed out, and I just need to speak my mind, and clear my thoughts. I miss the freedom of having full control of my individuality; since at work your actions and mode of behavior pretty much have to be constricted. So I'm talking all of my frustration out of my blog. At work we are being trained to keep our frustatration and anger in, sowe can give the appearance and reassurance that the customers and his concerns are the most important thing in the world, and that all of your attention and strength as a person should be directed towards solving their problems. Even if in the process they create a lot of emotional disturbance for you, since absorbing someone's cynism always takes a toll on your body. I don't care if it's a personal assault or not, it's never fun to be yelled and screamed at and made a prisoner of somebody else' will.

Anyway, enuff of my long and winding run-on sentences. I'm really tired and want to go to sleep, but my mind is too awake to be put to bed. Since I am a night person, my wildest and most vivid impressions of life come to me at this hour.

Good night world.

I made it through a whole week of training. I can't believe it, I'm still alive- exhausted but satisfied that I did my best this week ...to have fun!! hehehe ...too much fun actually that I almost didn't pass my written test. I studied all the questions they didn't ask! I memorized the 50 states of America- its geographical location on the map, and their abbreviation. But voila! that was barely touched upon. I had a ball during training, laughed the whole time and almost froze to death. The room where they held our training has subzero temperature. I swear I almost turned into a human popsicle stick! The third day I was tempted to use a pair of socks as gloves.

I'm currently in training so I haven't been able to update my blog. Maybe on my day offs I'll be able to recount my misadventures at work!! hahahaha!!! .......anyway, training doesn't mean you're hired, so I'm still not setting my heart on this. I'm just doing my best....to try to have fun and keep everything in stride. Fortunately, I'm not in graveyard yet. But once training is over, surely we're going to have that shift.

Hopefully, once call simulation begins, I wouldn't have a..." may I take your order moment." .

...ah nevermind, bad thoughts fly away.

oh my! I accidentally deleted my ukay post!!! :(

Somewhere over the rainbow by Judy Garland

This song kills me. It intensifies my longing to escape, and find that land where blue birds fly. The melody and the words to this song captures the feeling of every dream, every desire, every wish that my heart has made since I was old enough to realize the meaning of sorrow. Incidentally, it also has been adopted as a gay anthem. I think it’s the reference to the rainbow that becomes the link. hehehe

It's amazing to me how some special person can summon up their understanding as a human being, artistic vision as an artist, and talent as musician to create a song as special as this one. Maybe he thought of it in his sleep, or maybe this song was written very early in the morning, still dazed from a dream. Maybe he heard the singing of those blue birds atop his window, beckoning him to come out and follow them to that land..."way above the chimney top that's where you'll find me"... Unbeknownst to birds that human like us don't have wings & can't fly.
...actually this song was composed by Harold Arlen, the lyrics was written by Yip Harburg. It was made famous by Judy Garland in Wizard of Oz. Of course, everyone knows that!

This song sounds especially good after I've just returned from a job interview. I am not really too keen on entering the corporate world. But I think I'll be alright as long as I can separate the essence of who I am as a person, and who I have to be when I have to earn my wages. Like a separation of state and religion- it is possible for the two to exists side by side, as long as one doesn't interfere with the other.

It must be wonderful to have a job that follows the inkling of your artistic inclination. During the job fair, I submitted my resume to Philippine National Inquirer! hahaha! The funny thing was that they were not even there for the job fair. I am not exactly sure what they were there for. But they had a booth, so I took the opportunity para mag-epal. So I just walked past their booth, and sheepishly dropped off my resume on the table. The person manning the booth looked really scary. He had the air of someone really important in his field of expertise, the Filipino version of Perry White chief editor of the Daily Planet, maybe?
Anyway, I have a second interview on Wednesday. I think this one is to assess my typing proficiency. That should be a laugh!!!

I don't know if I'm sad or happy.

DALIRI

Sumasakit at namamaga ang aking mga daliri dahil sa kakatype. Kaya ipapahinga ko muna sila. Sana managinip at lumipad sila papalayo dito sa hugis nang aking katawan. Masisiyahan kaya sila sa ganitong bagong kalagayan? Magdiriwang at gagawa ng mga bagong pangarap? Malulungkot kaya ako kung mawala ang kanilang mga mumunting panaginip sa aking mga kamay? Paano kaya ako yayakap, kakaway, o hahalik sa inyong palad kung mawawala ang aking mga daliri, na maghahadtid sa akin sa iyong piling?

I've been living in outerspace lately, that's why I haven't been making contact with mah blog. Here's one of my poems that got hit by an asteroid. The rest landed on Makata.

CLOCKWORKS

TIME like a war monger hungry giant chasing me in my sleep
& threatening to hit me with a giant iron spoon. Last year's dirty white linens still left hanging on the clothes wire where flowers bloom in the backyard.


FEAR like a tingling itch deep inside your skin that you can’t scratch.
I am unable to breath like a disgorged child that almost drowned in the river of Uncle Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Unable to pay his own debt, he cries as he turns into an oompa loompa.


FUNNY how time moves backwards when you're having fun.
Beautiful voice mingling in my head- a helium choir of chipmunks
lost in the skin parade of time.


TREES outstretch to reach the heat of the sun.
Assembled faceless bodies- twigs engraved backwards
from a distance almost mistaken for the lost voice
of angels.


PEACE is a symbol of the doves
A white frayed flag flying in half salute midway to heaven & earth.
When war-faced-painted-children get tired of winning all the time,
all the toys in the backyard go back to the attic to be put a way until
the next baby falls out
Of Sleep
& pulls the trigger

Getting ready for a diaper change.

lapse in judgment

Recently I’ve been beating myself up, haunted by the same mistakes that I’ve been making over & over again. It’s one thing to make a mistake and learn from it, and another thing to repeat the same one hoping that each time there’ll be a different outcome. A positive outcome, your fairytale outcome.

It’s amazing how many follies one can make when empowered by the strength of delusion. For a split second when you are about to make that choice it’s as if your memories don’t exists. As if the past with all its heartbreaks, bad checks, uncomfortable shoes, launched verbal warfare that you regret seemed like a world away. This is just plain idiocy. Thinking you can escape the consequences of your actions, ‘cause in the end you’re have to pay the price like it or not.

body mapped in white spaces

I am editing this white space. making room for the future. killing memories that have nothing to do with light. I am treading softly in this narrow lake. any moment it will happen.

The desire to leave this place can sometimes be so overwhelming that the view of flying curtains is enough to make you cry.

Mandala Episode One

Death Dance
throught the vastness of time and space. i welcome infinity. i've found heaven in a bluejar. all the stars ever hung in the sky dancing in tandem with everyone i've ever loved. i am drifting in a boat destined to crash into the ocean. brimming with tired love&wisdommy soul fills the gulf of cathedrals: like stars that are about to burst into a wish, we make one last plea for our bodies to be saved. As we explode into a million fragments of light. Our shadows make whirlwinds in the ocean.

Do animals love I wonder?

Whenever I see two penguins walking side by side, both looking elegant in their shiny tuxedos, looking like the happiest creatures on Earth, I wonder. Being on the top of the food chain in the pyramid of sentient beings; if we're really the lucky ones. The society we have created for ourselves- wars we’ve invented, famine, pestilence, hate, apathy…All these things have become inherent in man, that sometimes I ‘ve been convinced into thinking that penguins would do a better job of ruling the world. But then again, when I think about it long and hard; I realize, maybe it’s these things that make it possible for love to exists. Experiencing hate teaches us compassion, living through hardships- sympathy. Amidst the storm of chaos and madness we find the essence of our humanity, we transcend the events, we overcome catastrophes, etc. We find out what it is to be human. If there’s anything I could say if I had to do it over again, is that the trip has definitely been worth it. I just hope that the second time around, I don’t come back as a tiny little sad speckled- bug, that is just begging to be crushed. That would truly be tragic.

Ang tagal ko nang hindi gumagawa ng ingay sa aking blog. Ayaw kong magsalita! Ayaw! Gusto kong ipunin lahat ng aking saloobin sa alapaap ng aking palaisipan. Hangang ito ay pumutok na parang isang dinamitang hinagis at ipinalipad sa buwan. Doon sa lilim ng liwanag na binuhos ng araw, siguro matatamo ang kapayapaan na inaasam ng aking damdamin.

of UK & other musings

i went to my first ever ukay trip yesteday. i felt kinda uncertain at first, since the place we went to was so small. there were only about 2 racks in the middle of the room, & 2 more big ones next to the wall. good thing it had airconditioning coz i would've probably called the whole thing off if the condition had been really bad. since i already had a slight cold, and felt bad as it was.

i heard that ukay is a 'chamba chamba' type a thing. you gotta be at the right place at the right time. the best time to go shopping is when the store, had just been stocked with new arrivals.

i didn't find a lot of fantabulous stuff, but atleast i did not go empty handed. i got 2 sweaters, & 1 shirt for 1 hundred pesosesss (hehehe)
that was not a bad deal...not bad at all!!!

i changed my template. black fits my mood. i don't know.
i've just been struck with complete sadness just a few hours ago. this happens to me sometime. out of nowhere a harbinger of darkness comes and draws his cape over my beautiful mood. this sucks, cause this feeling almost leaves me immobilized. it's impossible to concentrate on anything that needs my attention. it's a physical sensation. a tightness in your stomach that pulls everything out of view. all you feel is this whirl inside of you that swallows everything whole. you want to scream, but you don't. you keep all the voices inside. so you cry instead, but it doesn't really make it go away. it just reveals your weakess.i hate this.

i don't know what to say. it's been forever since i've written anything on my blog. it's hard to summarize what's been going on in my life of late. i don't even think i want to.

some random thoughts:

i think it would be fun to get into podcasting. but being the technology challenged vogon that i am, i don't know if i'd be able to figure out how to set up the right equipments and configurate it properly.

i miss having poetry in my life. i don't know how many time i have written this line of late, it seem to be an ongoing theme with me. anyway... i haven't written anything that touches poetry in a long, long time. whenever i would write some lines, my train of thoughts would drift into never..neverland.....and i'd get lost in the sensation of falling asleep that any thoughts of writing would drift away from my mind.

shopping is therapeutic. even if you just buy small things. little trinklets that cost no more than 20 pesos. it still makes you feel better afterwards. it's soothing to be able to reward yourself with some small token of appreciation... this is especialy good when you're having a bad day.

I'm inhumanly tired. I lose my breath when I walk. One week of training to become a human robot does that to you. I just saw this movie called war of the worlds. It's a good movie, inasmuch as it kept me entertained, and made me gasp and feel hopeless just at the right places. I wonder if the original book version would've been a more satisfying experience than seeing this movie. Since I can't really read this book now without seeing Tom Cruise as the lead role, I think I am going to put if off until I finish reading all the books I want to read. Considering that there are hundreds and hundreds of books that I want to read, the chances of me ever reading this book in a lifetime is next to zero. Hmmmm......

The special effects was seemless. The advent of technology astonishes me sometimes. To think that we're living in a time where you can see a church split and half, and aliens snooping in the basement as if these incidents were just part of things you witness in everyday life is unbelievable to me.

The emotional response you commit to these images, like they are real to us, like you can feel them. Skin touching skin, the shine of a varnished furniture, the certainty of drawn curtains; these are real images taken from real life. Not aliens from a different planet set on conquering our planet. But the power of the cinema is that they take the foreigness of an idea, concept, story, out of the movie reel and bring into your conscious: direct contact.

...... I guess this is what they mean when they say movie magic.

Notion
of hope
Leaving the body

Nights
without fear,
dreams or poetry.

Minding
One's own
business. I alone

in
temporary blindness
see strange shadows

skin
that refuse
to be touched

commemorating
love- folded
inside a handkerchief

turn
implicit kindness
into a wall

of
quiet weeping
that you drown

in
the morning
with dark coffee

another haynaku

Silence
a room
I frequently visit

one little haynaku

Melancholy
adds shades
to plain Autumn

I just saw Finding Neverland. This is a beautiful movie that everyone should see, because simply put: everyone needs a little magic back into their lives. Some of the scenes in this movie breaks me up into pieces and reminds me of the power imagination could bring...if you just believe!

This movie inspires me to create. What a sad world it would be if we didn't have a place called Neverland in our everyday vocabulary. To me, this symbolizes and puts a home to our yearning to never, ever grow up & give into the big bad world of ticking crocodiles.

How time chases us all! The implications of time and growing up, are sad, sad, realizations. I wonder how many people live the life they have dreamt of: a life that embodies their happiness and embraces the essence of who they are as a person. This is why this movie is so heartbreaking, and beautiful at the same time. It reminds you of that freedom we all once had. I don't know what some people did with theirs, but I plan to hang on to mine. Put it this way, we could all hide in this magical place called Neverland.... and look for Johnny Depp! ...see you there everyone! *apir, apir*

" To die will be an awfully big advernture" ~ Peter Pan

NEW DIRECTION

It’s a new year, time to make new memories and leave behind all of the bad things that have happened to us in the previous year. We should all make new promises to ourselves, and keep them this time. It's frustrating that I haven't been able to update my blog more often than I'd like. I've been too busy.

Not that anybody reads my blog, but I would like to keep myself updated with all of the things that are roaming around in my head. I do very little self reflection outside of writing. There seems to be no good reasonI could think of why I should inflict this form of torture to myself. It's just depressing sometimes to realize where we ended up... so far away from where we intended to go, but it's the new year, so no more bad thoughts. Atleast not for a week or so. I'd like to write something happy on my blog, just to be different, but I can't think of anything I could share.

Maybe, if I treat my blog like a real diary, I could open up more, but I'n severely aware of the fact that this place I would love to call home only offers me a false sense of security. Even if I feel I am anonymous, I am not really. Even though, I don't share this place with anyone close to me, I guess I'm still not very comfortable with the idea of giving away so much of myself so anonymously/gratuitously. ( I'm sure I spleed that wrong, but I can't be botehred right now with sprelling.) hahaha!

There are a few individuals here who's blogs I read almost religiously. Most of them writers/poet, a few local celebs, some believers, and one shopaholic! Her blog is one of the most original I've come across, plus it contains a lot of great writing, and make-up tips! Anyway, I marvel at their ability to express(...) without (seemly) any hesitation. I love reading their blogs, because they offer so much. The insights that I gleam by riding these waves of thoughts. They put so much passion into their writing, so much of themselves exude within the lines that they create.
.

This is my third attempt at blogging. So far, I feel that I've left myself down for the third time. Maybe I should consider permanently putting my blog to sleep. Maybe my blog will dream sweet dreams, and be covered in beautiful rainbow dust....then....finally then, the lines that I write on my blog will finally be happy! :)